People say "Oh, Jaymz T Wildz, oracle and idol of my life, why is everyone in London in a rush all the time?". We're not in a rush, we just want to get to where we're going before our sun slowly ends it's life and explodes, killing us all. Or maybe we just want to be away from a place that requires close contact with you! Move that buggy. Your businessman gut offends me. There's no room on this carri- Oh but you thought you'd squeeze on anyway. I hope your stupid fat head gets caught in the doors. Why do you need such a massive bag? Stand on the right! Stop being so fat! Stop dawdling! If you're going to eat KFC on here can you do it whilst you AND the food are in a sealed box so I can't smell the stench of death and MSG? Oh and make it opaque so I can't see you shovelling. It's too cold for shorts today. Why would you wear a jumper on the Victoria line you idiot? Stupid Victoria line, why are you an oven?! Alright poser? You think you're cool do you with your perfect haircut? Fuck you. Um, we're 100 ft underground mate so how about taking your FUCKING sunglasses off. Get out of my way out of the way get OUT the way MOVE!!
I get angry when I'm moving and I hate people.
Sometimes I think its a sort of physiological phenomenon, that the more I actually move my body, the more annoyed I get. But then I realise it only happens when I'm on public transport. Public transport meaning any place where other people are using it to move. A pavement counts. A supermarket counts. People + moving = anger. When I stop my anger dissapates. If a tube train stops in a tunnel, despite the mild annoyance that I might be late for, no doubt, an appointment at Soho House, I become more relaxed. Maybe It's because everyone else becomes more frustrated. There's something nice about seeing people you don't know become angrier than you. It makes you feel superior.
I see myself as an old man and I can't move without causing irreparable damage . A visitor brings my food to a table and as I lean forward to reach it I become angry and tell everyone to "just die". My minder kindly explains that you have to put it within 4 inches of my hand but "he likes his independence so DON'T EVER TRY TO FEED HIM!". They have to make this point Brita clear ever since the Cheddar Gorge trip. I'm in a wheelchair now, not because I'm unable to walk but because if I do I might get annoyed and punch wildly and unpredictably. I move occasionally just to trick other people into getting punched. Sometimes the air that's generated when a person passes in a hurry sets me off. I trip them up and hit them with my cane.
Perhaps if I was more calm, I could deal with this. Calm the fuck down. Be a better person.
But I can't.
