So... I've been away for a while. But, as always there's a very good reason for this. For the last 8 months I have been watching cat videos on YouTube. My findings are simple: All cats are members of the Illuminati and are going bring every human to their knees before establishing a new world order.
You probably don't know this, but there are a lot of videos of cats on the internet. I discovered this just after Christmas. So many videos, so many clues.
It was New Year's Eve and I had gone out dressed in a pink and yellow suit and a boater to inflict my oozing magma of ego on the unsuspecting streets of Hoxton . I got there at 11:00, but by 11:15 it had shat with rain, and my outfit made me look like a drab grims fairy hobo. All the friends I was out with labelled me idiotic and went into a club that I was refused entry to. I ended up sheltering for three hours under the small amount of cover from an outside internet café talking to a dog. I wanted to send an email, but I couldn't even do that because my money had all been stolen. By my friends.
I made it home just after 3am, totally pissed and horny. I decided, rather than do what I would usually do - smash the piggy bank and go for a 'Thai massage'- I would switch on the computer and try to send the email I had composed whilst sheltering to a woman I had been thinking about. I had met the girl once in a club toilet cubical I had accidentally walked into. Normally doing this results in me being kicked hard into the pavement, but on this occasion there had been a lot of pleasant stroking. I searched 'Sex Kitten' to try and find her. I remembered her wearing one of those kitten ear headbands, and I think we had a sex. I had forgotten that the internet is big.
A lot of god awful shit came up and I lost interest in the girl, so I ended up clicking on a video called 'how to sex a kitten'. Just how do you sex a kitten? I wondered. Turns out it doesn't matter, because they're all sexless reptilian overlords anyway. The video acted as a precursor to me getting sucked into a world of cat and kitten videos, each more sickeningly cute than the last, pulling me in, blanking my mind from anything other than fluff and claws. "cats are great" I thought, "cats and kittens represent innocence, playfulness, curiosity, all in a 30 second video clip". JUST WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. On and on I went, selecting related video after related video. If this took me away from what my psyche wanted I just re-searched 'cyoot kittens' and carried on. I couldn't stop. The only part of my body that worked was my mouse hand. My eyes stayed locked, drinking in the cuteness and the mews. They stayed permanently open, causing a dry skin like glue to form over them. I was seeing all the kittens. All-seeing eyes.
When I snapped out of my trance I realised that 13 hours had passed. I had been sucked in to a void of feline hypnosis. I felt that I had been asleep but at the same time felt fatigued. I felt a sort of hungry tiredness, similar to the day I had spent being forced to chase clay pigeons in Surrey. I had to eat before I slept, and whilst the food stopped my mind from being sucked in again, I investigated YouTube with a sober mind:
You probably don't know this, but there are a lot of videos of cats on the internet. I discovered this just after Christmas. So many videos, so many clues.
It was New Year's Eve and I had gone out dressed in a pink and yellow suit and a boater to inflict my oozing magma of ego on the unsuspecting streets of Hoxton . I got there at 11:00, but by 11:15 it had shat with rain, and my outfit made me look like a drab grims fairy hobo. All the friends I was out with labelled me idiotic and went into a club that I was refused entry to. I ended up sheltering for three hours under the small amount of cover from an outside internet café talking to a dog. I wanted to send an email, but I couldn't even do that because my money had all been stolen. By my friends.
I made it home just after 3am, totally pissed and horny. I decided, rather than do what I would usually do - smash the piggy bank and go for a 'Thai massage'- I would switch on the computer and try to send the email I had composed whilst sheltering to a woman I had been thinking about. I had met the girl once in a club toilet cubical I had accidentally walked into. Normally doing this results in me being kicked hard into the pavement, but on this occasion there had been a lot of pleasant stroking. I searched 'Sex Kitten' to try and find her. I remembered her wearing one of those kitten ear headbands, and I think we had a sex. I had forgotten that the internet is big.
A lot of god awful shit came up and I lost interest in the girl, so I ended up clicking on a video called 'how to sex a kitten'. Just how do you sex a kitten? I wondered. Turns out it doesn't matter, because they're all sexless reptilian overlords anyway. The video acted as a precursor to me getting sucked into a world of cat and kitten videos, each more sickeningly cute than the last, pulling me in, blanking my mind from anything other than fluff and claws. "cats are great" I thought, "cats and kittens represent innocence, playfulness, curiosity, all in a 30 second video clip". JUST WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. On and on I went, selecting related video after related video. If this took me away from what my psyche wanted I just re-searched 'cyoot kittens' and carried on. I couldn't stop. The only part of my body that worked was my mouse hand. My eyes stayed locked, drinking in the cuteness and the mews. They stayed permanently open, causing a dry skin like glue to form over them. I was seeing all the kittens. All-seeing eyes.
When I snapped out of my trance I realised that 13 hours had passed. I had been sucked in to a void of feline hypnosis. I felt that I had been asleep but at the same time felt fatigued. I felt a sort of hungry tiredness, similar to the day I had spent being forced to chase clay pigeons in Surrey. I had to eat before I slept, and whilst the food stopped my mind from being sucked in again, I investigated YouTube with a sober mind:
The deeper you go on YouTube, the scarier it gets. Check out this video:
Mind reading. EVIDENCE
The thing that's abundantly clear to me is that cats are using YouTube to soften humans into a mush that can be distracted enough to miss something they would normally see clearly. It's obvious that they are mind readers, and it's obvious that what happened to me was a kind of hypnosis. I was just a test subject, but one day they will do it to everyone. Whilst we sit there staring into fur, they will kill the last remaining influential humans in the world and take their place as rulers of the world. THEN they can have everything they want. Presumably fish and sautéed mice. THINK about it - they do cute meows to imitate baby humans, they rub up against you to plant their scent on you and declare ownership, and they hiss at you to imitate snakes. They control and manipulate their owners, and they control and manipulate the world. They killed Michael Jackson, they put George Bush into power, they took him out, they put Obama into power and made Tony Blair go to war with Iraq. Not in that order.
It's all oooh awww coochie coo, then BAM - 9 /11.
The links to the Illuminati are easy to see when you think about it. The Illuminati uses the symbol of All-seeing, and it usually appears above a pyramid. We know from the olden days (probably at least a hundred years ago) that cats were worshipped by the Egyptians. They made statues and were buried with their cats. It was all out of choice, right? WRONG. They were fought by and eventually dominated by the cats, and when the cats eventually fell due to, I assume, some sort of human revolution that was wiped from historical records by you know who (cats), they were always going to return to power. This supreme manipulative prowess was revered by the Illuminati, and at some point they joined forces with feline (alien) counterparts.
People might say that cats are listening to water pipes, neighbours on other floors, or rodents navigating wall insulation. Some people too superstitious for their own good might suggest that cats see or sense ghosts, but what is actually happening here is that they are receiving orders from other high ranking Illuminati members through telekinetic cross dimensional signals. The Illuminati are fools as well, however. They think the cats are working for THEM.
So anyway, now I limit my YouTube time because, although I'm sure it would be hard to be the last person on earth and have to fight them alone, I feel this would be a better fate than dying from lack of food and water due to permanent hypnosis. Am I right? ...It's OK, no need to thank me.
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